Alastair is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. He has been known to remodel bus stations on his lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. He translates ethnic slurs for Turkish refugees. He writes award-winning operas, he manages time efficiently. Occasionally, he treads water for two days in a row.

Alastair woos women with his sensuous and godlike trombone playing, He can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and cooks Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. He is an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Mozambique.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Alastair once single-handedly defended a small village in the Congo Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. He plays bluegrass cello, was scouted by the All Blacks, and is the subject of numerous documentaries. When he’s bored, he builds large suspension bridges in his yard. He enjoys urban hang gliding.

On Wednesdays, after school, he repairs iPod Minis free of charge.

He is an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over his original line of corduroy evening wear. He doesn’t perspire. He is a private citizen, yet receives fan mail. He’s been caller number nine and has won the weekend passes.

Last summer he toured Bujumbura with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. He hit sixes in every inning. His deft floral arrangements have earned him fame in international botany circles.

Alastair can hurl paperweights at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. He once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. He knows the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. He has performed several covert operations for the CIA. He sleeps once a week; when he does sleep, he sleeps in a chair.

While on vacation in Canada, he successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to Alastair.

He balances, he weaves, he dodges, he frolics, and his bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, he participates in full-contact origami. Years ago he discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. He has made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. He breeds prizewinning algae. He has won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. He has played Macbeth, performed underwater fish surgery, and spoken with Elvis.